After he left, I pulled myself out of the bed and out in the living room to the couch at least, because I know staying in the bed will only make me sad for an empty, still-warm half of the bed. The new greyhound, Aggie, who used to be called Jeserell when she didn't belong to us, followed me close behind from room to room, her usual practice. I washed my face and put on clothes, and ate a bowl of Cheerios while I watched Curb Appeal on HGTV.
I knew I had things to do today. For one, I missed my call from the unemployment insurance office last week because we had to go to a funeral in Lexington, so I was supposed to go to the office in Greenville this morning and reschedule. Bad idea that I started out at just before lunchtime, because when I got to the place in the shit side of west Greenville it was spilling out its doors with other people who probably missed their phone appointments too. This scared me off. And the parking lot was crawling. I said to myself, I'll try again tomorrow, wake up early and beat the rush. Oh, I've tried calling. Phones are always busy.
I suppose the most important thing behind all of this, behind the motions I go through and the TV shows and the good intentions, is my sustained mood. Lately, it hasn't been sustained and it certainly hasn't been good all the time. All of what I've just told about I did while trying to hold up a fragile, self-forged feeling of okayness. I've been sad lately...no, apathetic. Nobody's fault, just a place I've fallen into and am now trying to pull myself out of. But this morning, when my eyes opened, I felt the apathy resting over me again, but I made a choice in the moment and said no to it. Of course, that isn't good enough to last all day, but it worked for the next few minutes at least, and so I knew it would be hard but I could keep making the choice to push away the bad feelings all day. I'm still trying.
Driving downtown, I heard a song by Patty Griffin, "Long Ride Home" from the Elizabethtown soundtrack, and sang with her so loud in the car. It made me feel good, so I went to Earshot and bought a whole Patty Griffin album, called Children Running Through. I'm listening to it right now, and it's different a little, different than I expected. I expected a more bluegrassy album but she has a lot of jazz and even rock influence in this one. I don't know what I think about the whole album yet but I love her voice. It helps me have nice feelings inside, which was the whole point why I bought the thing.
Yeah, I'm not really supposed to be spending money right now since my temp job as a Tech Writer is over and I'm trying to get a Library Assistant job with the Greenville Library, which is turning out to be a slow process. I'm in between a few things right now, not just jobs. I'm waiting to start going back to school again, my classes start in a couple of weeks. I'm in between video games, I guess you could say, because I've played the hell out of the Sims 3 for the last few weeks and now I'm burnt out. I guess my apathy is a feeling of waiting, being in between.
I'm getting myself through, though. I've fallen apart a couple times, cried for no reason apparent to people outside myself, like my husband. He helps me through those times as much as he can. But the difference between this time and the past is that I've been here before, and I've learned more each time how to cope.
Lesson #1: Lying in the bed alone in the morning is pretty much the worst thing to do during these times, and should be avoided at all costs.
Lesson #2: Watch some TV. It helps.
Lesson #3: Don't blame your reason for crying on something your husband did to hurt your feelings three years in the past. It will just end up making him cry too. (Yes, I did that)
There are plenty more lessons, but we'll save them.
Also, I am pretty sure I'm some sort of psychic, or whatever word for psychic you want to use to fit your worldview. It's not something I've just realized, but recently it's gotten a little freakish. I have the occasional, unexplained moments of deja vu, but I have also been able to conceptualize or guess the details of things before I even know them. For instance, and I know this is going to sound minor, but it freaked me out: I was driving to my apartment and there was a white styrofoam cup on the curb, and before I saw where it was from, something about seeing the cup made me think randomly about this restaurant called Joy of Tokyo and all of a sudden I wanted to go there. So, I got closer to the cup, and I could see red lettering and realized that it said Joy of Tokyo on the side. How many restaurants have white styrofoam cups and it just happened to be from the restaurant I was thinking about. This instance alone wouldn't mean much if it weren't accompanied by occurances of a similar nature. And it's not like I'm trying to do these things, they just happen.
Not to mention the insane dreams I've been having lately. For the past week, I have woken up early in the morning with my heart racing and the memory of dreams so real and so exhaustingly action-filled that I will just walk around in a daze for at least 20 minutes, with sounds and elaborate scenes from them reverberating throughout me. The real world doesn't even compare, neither does any fiction or film, to the adventure and the emotions I had in these dreams.
And all of this isn't the end of it. I would go into more detail, but a couple of the dreams I've had involve people close to me. I will say, however, that a few months ago, I dreamed that someone I knew (who I hadn't seen or spoken to in over a year) was going to die. Not month later, this person actually passed away.
I've only told my mother and my husband about these things. I've said to myself I wouldn't tell anyone, but it's getting weird lately, and I don't know what the purpose of it all is, or if it has a purpose at all. I'm not even sure I believe it is all linked, or that what is happening is something para-normal. I am sure that if anyone reading this blog can give me any insight or personal experience of their own that relates, I would be happy to not feel alone in dealing with it.
To close out, here is a photo of Aggie, our new greyhound, a 3-year-old girl who wags her tail all the time and still has stitches in from her recent spay:
