I live a constant life of what I call self-medicating. With a built-up practice of about two years now, I’ve been able to train myself to recognize (most of the time) what kinds of situations and circumstances will trigger a narrowing path of negative thinking and cause me hours, sometimes days, of depression.
My self-medication consists of spaces, both literal and figural in nature. My and my husband’s apartment, for instance, is one of those spaces (though it does the job best when it’s clutter-free). But there are others, like the space in my car on the way home from work, and the quiet plunk of water echoing off walls during a bath. This blog is one of those spaces, as is writing in general; also, walks with my husband in the evening are spaces of a sort. And although the walk spaces are shared, they are shared with my best friend who is a part of me even when I am on my own, so it works. Then there are the more abstract spaces, ones formed mentally and almost spiritually out of habit and survival instinct. The ritual of preparing a cup of tea and the partaking of it is one of these, and a necessary space I keep every day. Then sleep and prayer are perhaps the Great Spaces and the most healing of all.
A couple years back, around the time I began paying marked attention to self-medicating and trying to control how I react to my own emotions, I decided I would go off the antidepressant I was taking. The drug was Lexapro, and I had been on it for about a year though I had taken it previously in 2005 for the first time. I had been warned of the side effects of dropping depression meds cold-turkey, but I had done it that first time with no trouble, and I thought I could probably do it again.
The first few days off the meds seemed fine. But then I started getting these sensations that felt like dulled electrical shocks or zaps in my entire body. I was constantly lethargic, nauseated at certain times of the day, and I even lapsed back into some moments and days of being non-motivated or depressed.
I recalled these things yesterday morning during my daily routine of getting ready for work and listening to Morning Edition on NPR. They did a spot called
“Coming Off Antidepressants Can Be Tricky Business”, how it worked for some people and not for others. The spot reminded me of what a tough time I had going off the meds, and that it was definitely not a wise decision to quit abruptly instead of tapering off like doctors recommend, if you must go off.
Thankfully, I had enough will-power…or stubbornness…or enough support around me…or whatever it was that let me just go through with it. I just never wanted antidepressants to become an emotional crutch, but most of all, I wanted to be me without the interference of medicine, however hard that was going to be.
Last night, I talked about the radio spot with my husband, Daniel, and about how thankful I am that I haven’t had another relapse of depression. But then I added that I could never really see that happening now, with all I’ve learned about myself, except maybe in the wake of some awful tragedy. I thought, I don’t know if I trust myself to not go emotionally downward if someone I love died or a natural disaster struck and wiped away all I own and know.
Daniel listened, thought for a moment, and then said, “I don’t think you would go back (into depression) even then. Think of how much you’ve worked at getting to know your feelings, and what you’ve been able to get yourself through.”
And I realized, ultimately, he’s right. I can’t make room for the possibility of more depression. I have to have faith in myself to keep going and learning. And this, in itself, is upholding the pattern of positive thinking, which is the opposite of the pattern that so often is or causes depression.
Self-medication, for me, is largely about spaces. But the point of having those spaces is to fill them with what’s positive to me, things like Saturday morning pancakes, watching the clouds move across the sky, learning new things and reading.
* * *
Last night, Daniel and I drove to my parents’ house, laps laden with the almond shortcake I made and cut strawberries to go with it. It was my baby sister’s twenty-second birthday, just four days before her wedding on Thursday, and we had all decided to celebrate with a cookout. My mom made barbequed ribs that slid off the bone and melted in my mouth, and other southern staples like creamed corn and biscuits and baked beans. Two of my dad’s brothers, Uncle Steve the skinny gray-haired lefty, and Uncle Gary the balding garage owner in a sleeveless shirt, showed up with Uncle Steve’s dog Beebee.
My sister’s best friend and old roommate was up from North Augusta for the party and for the wedding. Vlad, who was born and raised in Romania but stayed with our family while he went to college when I was in my teens, came and brought his girlfriend and her little Chihuahua. And, of course, my mom and dad were there too.
I couldn’t think of anything to get Angela for her birthday. So when I was at the store getting ingredients for strawberry shortcake I just wandered around, thinking something would stand out. I meandered through the housewares section and thought about newlywed house-type gifts, like coffee grinders, throw pillows and waffle makers. They seemed too impersonal for a birthday gift for my sister. I weaved through the crafts section, through the racks of bicycles and baseball bats, and found myself in the toy aisles. It just felt right amid the boxes of games and action figures, like I was coming back home after years of being gone. Then I saw them – canisters of Play-Do with multi-colored lids toppling in stacks.
We used to have Play-Do as kids, but you never lose the desire to create shapes and layer colors with clay as you get older. I tossed ten different colors of the soft clay into my shopping cart, and grabbed something else on the way out through the toys – a Velcro ball game with two catching pads similar to a set that Angela and I played with growing up camping and at the beach.
Just because I wanted to further drive home the half-joke of juvenile gifts, I bought her a Pez dispenser in the shape of Pumba from The Lion King and a glittery gift bag with the Jonas brothers on it.
When I gave it to her, it all had the effect I’d planned: she laughed from the moment she saw the bag until she pulled the last can of Play-do out of the bottom. And I saw in her face that she remembered the childhood connections to each gift just like I did.
I tell this story because it has to do with happiness and nostalgia, which can be closely linked. I tell it because I mean to revel in the wonderful feeling I have when I see my sister smile or hear her laugh. And, I tell it because I want to show that happiness can be planned. I think that lots of people believe that happiness is a product, just what happens as a result of something like a nice compliment or a fun day with someone you love. But it’s just not, and we can know that because sometimes we wait on happiness after things that should bring it to us, and it doesn’t come.
Sometimes, you have to mean to be happy. If you aim at joy, you will hit it more likely than not because you are actively involved in expecting it. Someone once told me – and I think that someone was my sister – that if you smile even when you don’t feel like it, just the act will bring on the feeling that usually accompanies a smile. I’ve tried, and it’s worked every time.
* * *
A pattern, by nature of definition, is something that has been organized and created. If it were not controlled by some force, whatever the pattern is made from would just all fall at random. In the pattern of negative thinking we make decisions, whether we are entirely conscious of them or not, to go down instead of up. If we really desire to, we have the ability to take control of that pattern and transform it to be positive, by reacting in a non- self-deprecating, realistic way to each thing we deal with each day. It is possible to create our own world.
And when we have control over so little as human beings, why not decide to be in control of not just our actions, but our reactions?
