Taking steps towards being okay

Only in silence the word,
only in dark the light,
only in dying life:
bright the hawk's flight
on the empty sky.
            - The Creation of Ea, 
              A Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula Le Guin

I pick it off the top of a stack I bought at a giant book sale back at summer's end. The first words I read, before chapter one of A Wizard of Earthsea, are like the red letters.

Talk-therapy with my sister yesterday over pizza brought me out of my head for the day. But by tonight I needed more and Daniel listened to over an hour of descriptions of my screwed-up mind lately. Clearer now, with a promise to Angela to start blogging again this very day, and every day, I am here doing what I have thought about doing and should have been doing for months now.

I began this blog out of conviction that happiness is self-created. In the time since I last posted in February, pathetically about an anniversary post that never happened, I have felt unworthy to post on a blog about overcoming depression. This is because I have been in it. I've been experiencing pretty extreme episodes of anxiety for a few weeks now, and it feels like carrying a giant crushing stone wheel that keeps rolling over me as I try to throw it off. But I have begun the process of trying to outsmart it.

Feeling surrounded and trapped lately by random possibilities like disease and sudden death, the opening verse of Earthsea shushed my mind for the "word," and recalled the contingencies, the appositives that allow life to be the precious thing it is. If it weren't for the bad, the good would not be.

So, in answer to what threatens my happiness and my stability in the dark moments: thank you. Because the evil little gremliny creatures stalk my sanity, I learn I can conquer them.

And mostly, thanks to God for, indeed being God, speaking through who and what God will.

This is the start of something better for me - this moment.