I started this blog when I was feeling on top of things, less threatened that I could really, truly be sad again. I thought, good project, I can think of at least one thing that makes me feel a tinge of happiness every day. Not so hard, right? Well, I'm not sure if it's PMS or if I'm having a bad stretch of days or what, but I have rarely had a glowing thought of true happiness, confident happiness, in a little while.
Maybe I need Saturday morning pancakes. Maybe I need drugs. Maybe I just need to get over myself. I'm just human. That's what I started this whole thing for anyway, to revel in humanity. Well, first of all, humanity's not that great sometimes. Second, it's human to hurt and feel emotional pain.
I listened to Writer's Amanac at 11am, but today it just made me feel unproductive. I stalked the Three Minute Fiction page on NPR.com, and didn't see my little story on their favorites-so-far list. My lack of soccer skills exibited at our coed game on Sunday still reverberates down to my ego on Tuesday, and I feel like there's nothing I'm good at.
My name is not in peoples mouths, on their minds, like my mommy promised it would be at my bedside at night. It will always be in her mouth, on her mind. That is nice, but somehow not a consolation prize for annonymity in my mid-twenties - in my prime.
Sorry, this is not Three Minute Fiction. More like Three Minute Autobiography, if that's all the time we get.
1 year ago
"Being human" is harder than it sounds...like you said, it encompasses so much. I work in a mental hospital, and I see every day what "being human" is for so many different people. Sometimes it means allowing yourself to be who you are, faults and all. And sometimes it means being pared down to the very core of your being, down to the rawest, most vulnerable part of who you are.
ReplyDeleteMy job keeps me connected to what I think is important in life--remembering what gives my life meaning, what is real, and what I should never forget about my existence here. And that plainly put is human experience--every part of it, the good, the bad, and the gray areas.
I have plenty of days there where I doubt my ability to help others, where I realize my limits--I can't change other people. I can support them. I can believe in them. I can listen to them. But on those days I doubt myself, I have to remember that I need to support myself, believe in myself, listen to myself before I can ever help anyone else.
Being human is not easy. It's unbelievably hard. And accepting yourself, allowing yourself to be human takes incredible strength.
I hear that in what you're saying--allowing yourself to be human. That kind of insight is invaluable. Hang on to it.
But when that nagging voice starts up, and the tape gets going that causes so much doubt, I have to challenge you--remember the pancakes. So here is my challenge to you: five of your happiest memories. Write them down, keep a copy on you. And when that doubt starts, read it. It helps.
I don't know if you remember that Christmas gift idea we used in AP English way back when, where we got a slip of paper and had to write nice things about another person.
I kept that list for a long time. The writer might not have known it would have such a positive impact on me, but it brightened up a lot of bad days. I wish I still had it, I lost it in a move.
Hang in there and remember the pancakes :)
Thanks Anne for putting back on track a bit here. I'll do it, I'll write the list. I do remember the AP English Christmas gift thing, though its hazy in my mind. That was always my favorite class, though I don't ever remember us doing much that felt like real work in there. Maybe that's why I liked it? :)And I discovered a few of my favorite books in that class. Good memories. Remember when Dr. Batten's dog died and we all wrote her little condolences notes on the board when she was out? I've been wondering about that lady. I hope she's doing well, and she's happy.
ReplyDeleteI always to look forward to reading what you have to say.
(silly sarcastic smile)And, if I had to go to the mental hospital one day, I would want you to be my caretaker. :)