Washing

Today has been a step up, well, a whole staircase up from past days. I was at home during my lunch break for a bit, and took the dog out to pee while my leftover Indian food warmed in the microwave, and I thought, as I walked without a jacket or an umbrella, it's the first light spring rain. It didn't wash me, only made my hair stick together and nose wet, but I was glad to feel it.

Last night I cried, bending my head into my husband's chest. I cried about so much, and I don't know what. He stroked my hair and didn't get angry or impatient, just listened, and talked a bit too. See, when I feel like I am not that great at things and I see him being wonderful at everything (it seems), I get jealous. This doesn't do wonders for our relationship if you can imagine. But even though I can't pinpoint why I get so jealous, I know it's all in the perspective of things. I can change my view to believe I am good at something just as easily as I can believe I'm not good at it. The distance between the two worlds - because they are truly separate - is so, so small, like just stepping over a line. But when you are on either side of the line, you think it so difficult to make that step. Sometimes you don't even know you can.

I stepped back over the line last night on the couch when I cried, and he forgave me for my jealousy. That does seem to have washed me, absolved me.

I'm going to take a hot bath before I go to bed tonight and not worry about anything while I'm in there. And I'm going to read a new book I got at the library. Interestingly, when I went to the library yesterday looking for specific books but I came out with one I'd never even heard of before. I think it picked me. We're going to get to know each other later.